A history of the iStone in scriptures

With over 50 distinct iPhone models, it is a good time to pause and reflect on how we got here.

The original iPhone models were actually iStones, and different iStones have different features. We’ll go through a few bronze-age iStone models and hit the final iron-age models (and highlight a few knock-off brands or misuses of the iStone) that ultimately inspired the modern iPhone.

The word tzohar only appears once in the Torah in this context (Gen 6:16), making it a unique term. As zohar means shining or radiant, tzohar may have been a shining stone, or tzohar may have been a window or skylight, either was a source of light. In ancient Jewish tradition, the idea that Noah has a luminous stone (tzohar) instead of a window in the ark is found in the Midrash Rabbah (specifically Genesis Rabbah 31:11) and the Babylonian Talmud (Sanhedrin 108b). These commentaries explain that the Hebrew word tzohar in Genesis 6:16 meant a stone or gem that provided light, rather than a window. Could Noah have carried the original iStone? If tzohar does indeed mean stone, we can see that this iStone was rather limited in features, acting only as a light, but still impressive for the bronze age.

In the Book of Ether 6:3, the brother of Jared didn't know how to turn off his iStone mini glows, so they ran out of power and became indistinguishable from iStone mini knock-offs. So we don't have any of the 16 original ones preserved.

Fast forward a minute. We read in Genesis 28:11 & 18, Jacob had an iStone, and his model seems a little upgraded compared to the night-light-only tzohar of Noah or the brother of Jared, as Jacob’s iStone transmitted a vision. We don’t have many other specs other than it was large enough to cradle Jacob’s head. Ancient iStones must have been like older cell phones: relatively big and bulky, but clearly this model worked well enough for Jacob.

In Exodus 24:12, Moses iStone tablets supposedly only had one feature: to display the ten commandments. But in the pseudoapocryphal Book of Benjamin’s Egyptian Travels, we actually learn that the tablets also played funny Egyptian cat videos, a precursor to the modern tablet tradition. Many rabbis surmise the reason pharaoh kept allowing Moses back into his court despite the clear incentive to just kill Moses and be done with the plagues was that Moses used the iStone tablets to entertain pharaoh with the cat videos, and as cats were worshiped, and the videos so darn cute and funny, pharaoh couldn't bring himself to dispose of Moses and his iStone tablets. (Don't think about the timing of plagues relative to Moses getting the tablets–it’ll ruin the fun.)

Exodus 28:30 suggests that 12 color iStones charged the Urim and Thummim (Hebrew for "lights and perfections" or "revelation and truth"). The Urim and Thummim could also have been clear iStones that were wired to the breastplate containing the other colored 12 iStones. Unfortunately, we don’t have much in terms of functionality specs of these other than the implication from the name that they provided revelation, light, or truth to the priest that wore the ensemble.

There’s brief mention in Zechariah 3:9 that Joshua gets a preview of the iStone version 7 (the iiiiiiiStone) in a vision. There is speculation that he may have been wearing the iStone Urim and Thummim model as mentioned above as the start of his vision talks about him getting out of dirty clothes and in some priestly garb, but it doesn’t specifically say he had the iStone Urim and Thummim model powered on. Regardless, in his vision, he got a sneak peek of the iStone 7, which 7 i’s meant to symbolize perfect reception of all things. The vision concludes with the promise to "remove the iniquity of this land in a single day". The all-seeing 7i ensures that no sin is hidden, and the sacrifice made upon this "stone" is comprehensive enough to cleanse the entire nation at once (or over exactly 24 hours for the literalists). Incredible-sounding features, but other specs and the drop date remain unclear.

Daniel 2:34 talks about God dropping his iStone max and then it rolling and breaking nations. This iStone was clearly not for mortal users to pick up and carry around, but cool concept model nonetheless.

In latter-day revealed specs regarding more iron-age iStones, Mosiah 28:13 uses stereo clear iStones using the MyTranslate app to translate ancient records. While translating only seems like a limited function for our modern day, back then, it was miraculous.

Across the pond and later into the iron age, we have Revelation 2:17 sneak peak at futuristic-sounding White iStones. These models will be “given to all who overcome.” Presumably, these iStones will be so valuable that they can't be bought!

Then there’s Matthew 16:17 where Jesus rewards Simon Peter with a new name and presumably a cool new iStone after Simon tells Jesus he is the Christ. “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven” and then in verse 18, talking about a purported iStone model. In this, Jesus is recorded saying “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church…” In the pseudoapocryphal Gospel of Peter the Pan-theist, Jesus actually hands Peter a stone when he refers to “upon this rock,” or the iStone NT, which contains the handbook of instructions for the primitive church, and that's what Peter is supposed to build a new church upon. So the Catholics would have all the answers if they had just not lost their iStone and/or got locked out for not remembering the password after Peter died.

Unfortunately, iStones can be misused. In the 2nd Book of Jubilees 4:31, another pseudoapocryphal work, Cain couldn't get his iStone to work properly. His brother suggested he restart it one too many times when Cain couldn't get good signal. So in his frustration, Cain used it to bluntly kill his brother. We see that pattern of people throwing fake iStones that don't work or maybe they just had horribly poor signal, but thankfully Jesus put a stop to that in John 8:7 we He said “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone” But translation errors cleared up in the discovery of the Greens Eggsn-Ham texts suggest it could have been translated as “he who is without sin, let him first cast iStone”.

The latest known model of the iStone was in Joseph Smith’s possession. It appears that he didn't know how to turn up the brightness on his iStone RestorationOS, so he had to block ambient light by putting it in a hat. Regardless of the screen dimness, this newest iStone worked great getting a Hebraic variant written in reformed Egyptian into English. So the takeaway for future iStone users is read the owners manual well to make the most out of your iStone.

Stay tuned for the next article on diviner's cups and miracle rods!